Stop labeling your kids

Our children don't have disorders or problems, they have needs

No parent likes to hear that their child has a problem, but it's ultimately not about your feelings as a parent, but rather what you as a parent are going to do with the information. While some parents are very conscious about parenting, most people lack the awareness that others have when it comes to parenting.

I was once told that my child would need OT by a teacher because he lacked core strength and this was leading to him struggling with his pencil grip and cutting with scissors. Luckily I knew enough about what the teacher was referring to, and a result I was able to understand that my son did not have any problems, he simply lacked the desire and ability at that point to hold a pencil or scissors properly. But how many parents out there lack knowledge or awareness and are just buying someone else's point of view and making it real for both themselves and their kids.

I am doing an increasing amount of consultation to parents who feel guilty because they feel as if they have neglected their child because their child is diagnosed with a problem or a disorder. Whether the diagnoses is correct or not, should we not be more sympathetic and aware of how we deliver the information to parents?

There is a percentage of people out there who are able to receive, with ease, constructive information about how their children can improve. Most people, however get excessively emotional, rant, rave, cry and feel guilty and confused, making the issue much bigger than it actually need to be.

Does all of this emotion serve you or your child? Of course not. Emotion creates judgement, of self and others. It's shuts down our awareness and makes us do stupid things.

What can you do? Can you change other people? No, but those of us who are in a position to be a contribution to parents, teachers and especially children, can choose to be better and function from a place of awareness when it comes to communicating with parents about their children.

Imagine instead of being told your child has a disorder, you were simply informed that your child has some needs and that you as a parent would be doing your child a great service to address these needs to make him or her the best version of them that they could possibly be? Parents would still react, but what they wouldn’t do is have a label for their child.

What happens in the mind of the average, drama seeking parent(usually a mother who doesn’t work), who often doesn't have anything better to do than make problems out of nothing is that they use the new found disorder as a crutch for which they themselves are able to draw sympathy. On top of which they buy the point of view that their child is damaged hook, line and sinker, with the resulting effect being an over-mothering, excessive reaction, to the point that the child also starts to buy the point of view.

Children are very perceptive, far more than we give them credit for and they are able to perceive your thoughts feelings and emotions so when you start to spin out, feel guilty and start to view your child as being problematic, they become even more, that which you are perceiving them as being.

Children change all the time and so rapidly that labeling them is just silly. With my own kids I'm constantly changing my views about who they are, what they are going to be like, who is there favourite parent and what activities they enjoy doing. They are simply rapidly evolving, creative beings who made the choice to be anything they would like to be still.

Labeling a child as having a disorder can scar them for life if the parents of the child lack the awareness to fully understand what is actually being communicated to them. What do I propose?

To the therapists, counselors and anybody else out there examining children - Stop using the terms disorder and problems! How much easier would the information be received and how much less guilt would we create if we were gentler in our approach?

Parents, do a little homework to understand what these therapists are communicating to you. How much better would you be a parent if you actually empowered yourself with a little knowledge? The idea that you don't have the time is nonsense. If you're reading his article you have time to research the issues your child may be dealing with

Stop choosing drama. What if instead of making this about yourself and how much sympathy and attention you can extract out of the situation, you actually become a contribution to your child?

Children copy, so examine yourself and the example that you are. How can you expect your children to be relaxed and happy when you are not?

What would it take for you to be better?